I might delete this later but I feel like shit. ADHD / my inability to get it under control to a level that works for my partner is destroying my relationship and I’m trying to work on my issues and find strategies and some things are getting better but it’s like our relationship has already been damaged beyond repair.

One HUGE issue for us is me again and again forgetting something that’s important for my partner and them feeling deeply hurt as a result because they feel their needs don’t matter. But they do matter and I try to care for them as best as I can but I also keep forgetting things. And I also understand that this is extremely hurtful regardless of whether or not I’m doing it on purpose (which I’m not).

My partner also suffers from strong migraines, so sleep is important to them. I know this. Bedtime is 10pm and when I’m out and have to be home by a certain time I will be (unless there’s something outside of my control).

Last night I was an ADHD group for the first time. My partner asked me how long it would go. I told them it’s from 6 to 8pm. So - naturally - they assumed I would be home by around 8:40. They also insist that I said so, but I can’t remember that.

When the meeting ended one of the other people walked up to me about something I said in the group because she has very similar experiences in her relationship, asked if we could stay in touch, and we chatted a bit. When I realized it was already 8:20 I told her I had to go and said good-bye. I then texted my partner that I unexpectedly ended up chatting with someone from the group and would be home by 9:15. To me that was okay because there would still be enough time to be in bed by 10.

My partner however had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d already been up since 5:30 that day. I knew they had been up early and I knew they had an exhausting day the next but I did not put these things together and make the conclusion that getting up early could mean they’d also want to sleep earlier. If I had known that I wouldn’t have chatted with that other person. My partner insists that we agreed that I would be on my way home right away but from my perspective it wasn’t a definitive agreement.

My partner then texted me back, telling me that they thought it was shitty of me to be late, that I still needed to do the dishes and that they had wanted to go to bed at 9:30 because they’d been up since 5:30. Perfectly understandable but I wasn’t aware of that because I have problems putting 1 and 1 together. I apologized but my partner remained angry.

When I came home they told me they were going to lie down now (which in our area often also means going to sleep). I went outside quickly with the dog so she could pee and when I came back and saw there was still light in my partner’s room I started doing the dishes. They came outside super mad and asking me basically if I had lost my mind, why was I doing the dishes when they’d told me they’d wanted to sleep. I get that I should have asked if they’re going to sleep now right away or if I could still do the dishes and I tried to explain myself but they didn’t care.

We ended up having a huge ugly fight where I also belittled their feelings (which I understand is a shitty thing to do) because to me talking for 20 minutes and thus running late isn’t a big issue in the light of me not being aware that they’d wanted to go to bed earlier. If I had known I would have made sure to be home earlier.

I understand my partner being hurt again and again by my inability to perceive and remember their needs. I’m trying, I’m really trying to be considerate but I keep fucking up and I keep hurting them and I feel so fucking frustrated and deeply sad.

PS: I really know belittling someone’s feelings is a shitty thing to do but from my perspective it was them being super mad about me talking to someone for a bit and therefore running late but in what was still an acceptable time frame for me. Because I didn’t know they 100% definitely wanted me home right away so they could go to bed earlier than usual. They told me I should have asked in advance when they wanted to go to sleep and yeah I will try to remember that from now on but I didn’t think of it.

!!!PPS: Irregular / not enough sleep can cause severe migraine attacks for them, so I am aware of this. It’s not just about being late - it’s about what lack of sleep can do to them. But I didn’t know or didn’t anticipate that they’d wanted to go to sleep earlier.!!!

  • Eyedust@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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    16 hours ago

    I really don’t think its your ADHD here. I have it bad. My partner lets me get on with it and goes to bed whenever she wants. We also split chores based on our schedule and to account for my ADHD she got us a whiteboard, because my greatest super power is to get absorbed in something and forget everything. Your partner could have taken the chores that night so you could do what you needed to get help for yourself.

    My last relationship was a “need to be in bed at the same time” relationship. I remember when I worked nights and had a night off. We got into a huge fight which culminated into me going to lay down on the couch instead of next to her like she wanted. She then came out of the room and beat me around the head with a metal katana sheath (so hard that it dented).

    This is a less of your ADHD problem and more of a “you guys need your own schedule and space” problem. You should iron out this attached-at-the-hip thing first. It’s cute in the beginning of a relationship, but can ultimately end it in a very ugly way. It will lead to insecurity and turn into a relationship of need and envy. You gotta learn to exist alongside each other, not be one entity (despite what marriage and religion tries to tell you).

    I’ve had two relationships. One for 7 years where we had to do everything together or else had to check in via text. That ended in both of us fighting and cheating (both sides) and never talking again. The second is a quiet coexistence. We can tell each what we’re going to do with an open invitation. Sometimes we do it together, sometimes we want to do something else. That relationship is on 13 years and counting. We RARELY go to bed at the same time or wait up.

    Sit down together and apologize for the belittling things you said. Explain what you have written here to them. These are words they need to hear. And then address the problem of not being able to do things like sleeping without one another. If they wanted to go to bed at 9:30, they should have been able to do so.

    • kintsugikid@leminal.spaceOP
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      11 hours ago

      We do actually already sleep in separate rooms (I maybe should have mentioned this in my post) but the problem is that I’m a bit of a clumsy little troll and even when I’m trying hard to be quiet there’s a high chance I’m bump into something or drop something and wake them up.

      • Eyedust@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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        11 hours ago

        In that case, your partner should find a solution to their sleeping disorder. I can open chip bags, do dishes, drop things, watch TV and there’s no issue if my partner is asleep. And our apartment is small. She is a deep sleeper though.

        I’m the light and agitated sleeper, actually. And instead of lashing out or pointing fingers, I got it addressed. Now on bad sleep nights I take two hydroxyzine for anxiety and light sleeplessness two hours before bed. I sleep so hard I tend to drool everywhere. Normally I’m a high anxiety jaw clencher when I sleep.

        I highly recommend looking into something like that. Hydroxyzine is a very light and harmless option. Its an antihistamine, which makes it good for allergies as well. Its basically a strong benadryl. There are some other benefits as well, like muscle relaxation, pain relief, nausea relief, and airway opening.

        As someone with ADHD and sleep trouble, it works good. Doctors are pretty relaxed about prescribing it, since its very high on the safety meter and non-habitual. Sorry for going off on a tangent, but it seems like your partner could have a slight sleep disorder, especially if its gone so far to put you both in separate rooms (if that is the case).