My boyfriend of a decade and a half told me he had been suspecting I had it for awhile. He had been suspecting it for years. Just never said anything because we were managing pretty well and he didn’t want to throw a bomb into my life unless it was necessary.

When he told me, I was in the middle of having a mental breakdown over my inability to focus at work. He told me he felt I deserved to know because he hated how hard I was on myself and he wanted me to understand that I couldn’t help it.

It changed a lot for me when he said it. In a way it felt like something clicked into place, sort of. I have since spent a little over a year learning about ADHD and understanding what my symptoms are and where I am similar or different to the listed symptoms.

I have tried to get a referral twice. First time the doctor I saw refused to give me one and instead acted very inappropriately with me. The other time I got my referral from another doctor, who was more professional and then I just kinda stopped the process from there. I tried to find a psychiatrist, but it was very overwhelming and the system was very disorganized and confusing to use so I couldn’t. I also found out that apparently this whe thing is extremely sensitive to me and the few times I managed to find phone numbers to call, I would start crying uncontrollably and being unable to call anyone because I was so embarrassed about my emotional outbursts.

I decided I would look into it later when I was in a better place mentally, but everytime I have even tried to take a step into getting diagnosed since then, I become very emotional. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s very embarrassing. I am also extremely terrified of being humiliated. I dont have the best experiences seeking help for mental health stuff so I’m very scared of going through something like that again. And to put myself in a situation where someone is literally there to question my life experiences and determine if they are valid or not. That just fucks with me in ways I can’t describe, so while I would really love to be officially diagnosed, I am just too scared of the emotional toll the process would take on me. My boyfriend feels the same way. It was one of the reasons he didn’t tell me about his suspicions at first.

So for now I’m living my life with the knowledge that I probably have some form of ADHD and I try to be a bit more forgiving of myself when I mess up and I try to embrace the parts pf me I tried to erase my whole life. In that sense, it has helped me a lot. Even if it isn’t ADHD, it does help to keep in mind that I have always done my best and that my best just isn’t as good as most people’s average.

Memes and posts about what happens when you have autism made me think “wait isn’t that what everyone does?” Even then I thought what difference it makes knowing since I’m in my thirties and been working fine all this time.

Just took some tests, and it turns out I might be slightly on the spectrum. The first one I took was the raads and I got surprised to actually be above the threshold since I thought that most of my answers were what is normal. Then I took a couple more tests and even if I’m below the threshold is just by one or two points.

Even then I was like yeah that’s not a big deal, besides some questions on the tests seem to need an update. But as I read more it seems to explain my behavior and difficulty to finish projects. So it may help to see a professional to help me determine the root issues and help me improve.

Reading adhd memes and realizing it was just me

All the memes and TikTok videos really started to make me realize not everyone does this. Then a friend I did Adderall with recreationally in high school reached out to me and was like “hey remember when we did Adderall and we’re like dude this is so boring I don’t feel high at all then we just did all the stuff we had been putting off? Yeah, I just got diagnosed, you probably should too.” That drove it home for me lol.

My kid got diagnosed, and then it became impossible to deny that I had it too

When you’re young masking is a lot easier. Pair that with the ability to drink pots of coffee nonstop throughout the day to self medicate and the time to exercise for at least an hour every day and you can get by pretty effectively. At some point though you get old and busy enough that A: it’s not possible to physically drink enough coffee to self medicate anymore and B: you don’t always have 1-2h a day to devote to exercise. At that point it becomes apparent that you should probably be on medication if you want to remain high functioning.

Two children diagnosed using my school reports as background. All the signs.

While getting an adult diagnosis here is expensive and difficult, it’s probably inevitable.

I’ll get 'round to it soon…

Basically all the memes hit very close to home, all the ADHD lived experience posts, all the physical symptoms lists, all the childhood signs for inattentive ADHD. Everything fit. Delayed sleep schedule? My best sleep hours are 2:30-11:30 am. Always hated waking up for school, always chose to work either at night or late afternoon. Very sensitive to rejection. Was drinking a monster every day on my way to work and yawning all day anyway. Could always sleep, no matter when or where, when the pandemic started and I was home and not working for the first 6 weeks and I slept 16 + hours a day, every day, for the entire 6 weeks, but never felt any more rested. I’d pass out during moving and shows if I was the slightest bit disinterested. Did cocaine once as a dumb 20-something, had the most relaxing evening ever, I thought we’d been given dud stuff. Time is functionally meaningless to me when evaluating the length tasks take.

It was just endless, every time I heard of a new ADHD symptom it hit HARD, especially the ones describing childhood for ADHD girls. I’m also pretty damn sure I’m autistic so, there’s also that.

I was in the denialist camp. Not understanding what it was, I thought it was “a social media epidemic” and not a real thing.

My nephew (roughly my age, for context) told me he thought he had it, which I dismissed, also that it’s genetic (knowing my mom and sister it did make a bit more sense…) then almost immediately came across a comment in Reddit of someone who had ADHD and wrote an experience that resonated SO MUCH with me. At that point I was mega suspicious.

I met my partner a couple of months after that, and another couple of months later, he moved into a house with a landlady… with ADHD. She’s actually an ADHD coach now. Whenever her and I got together we essentially were mirrors of each other, forgetting things, misplacing things, dissociating, hyperfocusing, fidgeting…

I got diagnosed a year after that.

My partner suspected it like a decade ago, pandemic rolled around, masking got harder. Started with my current therapist, who has ADHD, they worked with me exploring why I thought I may and helped me navigate diagnosis, seeing others lived experiences was big and is why I’m open about it at work and otherwise.

Had my preliminary consult with my psych and was given an eval that I passed with flying colours. Looking back, I check lots of boxes, I failed a course in uni because I got stressed and binged wow as an outlet, loss of structure hit me hard going from highschool. Courses I wasn’t interested in I had a hard time investing in. My masking at work didn’t do great for my mental health or personal life, food & alcohol were the drugs I used (incidentally vyvanse is used for binge eating disorder as well), hit financial issues from impulse spending. I’ve written about my experience with that in the past, was not a good time in my life (mentally or physically) but I’ve worked through it (with therapy) so it’s a chapter I don’t want to repeat.

I went through stages of acceptance after my diagnosis, which is totally normal, I’d get frustrated realising how much of my behaviour is linked to my ADHD, either directly or as a coping mechanism. Was annoyed initially I got the diagnosis in my 30s but hey, can’t change the past and I wouldn’t be who I am without my experiences. I’ve still got work to do and maladaptive coping mechanisms to unpack, but hey it’s a journey and diagnosis was absolutely vital, I’m super grateful to my partner for really pushing me towards it, they’re also nd so we help support each other.

I’ve not yet been able to get a diagnosis, but it’s mainly seeing myself in those memes, reading into it and realising this might be what I’ve struggled my whole life with.

Realized that something was wrong with me as I couldn’t study or do things that I need to do, still don’t have my diagnosis tho

I… can’t remember…?

…

DAMMIT

My primary care doctor picked up on it in my late 20’s. It was impressive - I think he suspected, so asked 3 questions/statements about my behaviour as a kid and teenager, things that nobody, not my parents, siblings or friends knew. They were formed as “you did X, Y, Z, as a teen, didn’t you?”.

They were questions regarding self control and specific drug use. In particular, he said “you did come coke as a teen, and you felt it calmed you down”. Mind. Blown.

Mom took me to the doctor when I was like a toddler and having sleeping problems or something and the doctor decided I had ADHD and tried prescribing meds (which my mom refused). Not sure when I learned about this though and if I already thought I probably had ADHD before I found out. I certainly remember one of my friend’s dad commenting about how I couldn’t sit more than other kids when I was like 7yo.